It's so strange going back and reading a post from a while ago when so much has happened in your life that changes everything. Again. It's like going back in time. My last post really touched on everything I wanted to say at the time. It covered everything, it really did. Then my husbands mother was killed. Just when the pieces were fitting back together, and I was starting to make sense of what has happened in my life, another life event occurs, this one more unbelievable than the last.
Not a car accident, nor plane crash. She was a victim of violence. Proof that the most shocking things can happen to you and your family when you absolutely least expect it and in the blink of an eye.
I was just recovering from my own mothers death and just figuring that out when this happens to my husband and his family. I should be angry. I guess we were a little, at first. Maybe we're just still in shock. Or maybe it's something else. We are certainly confused about how we are supposed to react to all of these things we are dealing with. When you start to change your life, or rather, your life starts to change you, it's irreversible. I know that is hard for some people to understand. When I witnessed this change in other people it was hard for me to understand. My husband and I have slowly attained different views and philosophies about things. Most things we have always believed in: freedom of religion, gay rights, women's rights, environmental protection, animal rights. But we still had unrest about us. We thought the world owed us something. We had contempt for those who had more than us, or had it 'easier' than us. I got to a point where I hated everything and everybody. I really did. I hated people, I hated my job (this was all the same for Noah, too.) We needed to change.
I started first. I was watching an episode of Ellen and she was expressing wholeheartedly her gratitude for a man whose book changed her life and who she admired as an authentic caring loving person. I had to see who the heck this was. It turned out to be Dr. Wayne Dyer. The way he spoke impressed me. I am not one to follow 'guru'-types or get into the "next-best-thing". I need my hard earned money and couldn't afford to go out and buy a bunch of self-help books. I had read "The Secret" and was not all that moved. But I did read his books, and I was moved. But I wasn't all that "hard-core" on self-improvement. Then, one day I was flipping through the TV and landed on Oprah. She was interviewing this man and I stopped to listen. His presence was calming, caring. That turned out to be Eckhart Tolle. His story was interesting, to say the least. I found his book "A New Earth" on sale and read it. It sort of changed my life. So I got his other book (also on sale) "The Power of Now". Also a life changer. But I did put them away after I read them and lived them for a while and went back to my "old" ways for about a year or so. I guess I was afraid of change. Afraid of what everyone who knew me would think. But eventually I felt the need for it again. I even found a few other books by Dr. Dyer that I guess I needed.
Slowly I started my transformation. Meanwhile, Noah started to change as well. I can't really describe it. It's just that you have a realization of what is important. What actions feel right. What thoughts feel right. It just happens, when you allow it without fear.
I had been reading "Wishes Fulfilled" (Dyer) and noticed that book "Dying to Be Me" (this part of my story can be found in my last post.)
Fast-forward to the end of my last post and just when we're figuring everything out, we get the news about Noah's mom. Now, I'm not going into huge detail about it here. I don't want to dwell on the ugly aspects of how we lost his mother. This is about the synchronicities leading to healing. The fact of how tragic it was is important, though.
After his mom passed, we went to be with his family, we dealt with everything there. We came home and further dealt with our grief and confusion over how this could happen to us, twice in three months. I was very confused. I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I wanted to write about it but didn't want to go through it all again. We didn't even tell anyone at first except for a very small amount of friends, and our family, of course. When I got the feeling that the time may be right, I asked Noah if it was ok to write about it. Not the details, but of the togetherness and kinship of his family and all of their friends where they live. When I decided this, I remembered that I had seen on a tweet from tiny buddha where you could submit an article to their site. I wrote an article to the sites specifications, read it to Noah for his approval, and submitted it. I received a response later that day. I was so grateful for Lori at tiny buddha for her kind and encouraging words. Writing that article helped me hash out my thoughts about why this has happened to us. Talking with Noah about everything that has happened to us since March helped us figure out how we feel about all of it. We are still figuring everything out, I'm sure we're still in shock. But having known constants in your life in times like these helps you to feel grounded and sure that you can persevere above even the most tragic and challenging times. I am forever grateful to my husband for being with me through all of my changes and not being afraid that I'm changing so much that he'll lose me or lose touch with me. He is the most accepting, kind, patient person I know. And as a result of that , he's gone through his own positive changes. We are still the same people. We worry that our friends will think we have changed too much and that we have nothing in common with them any longer. This is simply not true. We care about all of them, and have formed irreplaceable bonds.
I am also so very grateful for such a wonderful accepting forum that I found in tiny buddha. I am so glad I allowed myself to open up and allow all of the possibilities for change and healing that each of us deserve. I so wish that we had our mothers here with us to witness these changes. But, I think that they are. I'm not sure if our loved ones have a hand in our fate at all after they pass, but it sure feels like it. At times, it feels like our mothers made the ultimate sacrifice for our spiritual growth. They've moved to their higher plane, and it seem they are there, nudging us toward ours, here on this Earth. I used to think feeling like this was "hokey". But, now, I'm not so sure.
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