Full Circle...

Today I was missing my mother. Really, really...really missing her. It's been like that for quite few days, actually. Maybe even weeks. Now that things are really starting to settle down and into a routine, I have more time to think, because my mind is not as busy...

But, I must not be thinking about the right things, because I think I have writers block. Inspiration block.

Sure, I've been working on my other blog, but it's like I've been avoiding this one. My first bit of real inspiration came with the idea of needing to write this post, here, and when I opened my notebook, I found something I had jotted down a while back. It's what I used as my last post, "Little Reminders."

I don't know when I wrote it. I know I had done it at work. When it was quiet and slow for a moment. It just came to me, like most of my content. That's why I always carry the notebook (or my iPhone in a pinch does just fine. Yay, technology!).

I had every intention of posting it but didn't get around to it, for whatever reason. It's just what I needed, though. A reminder. Which is why I started this blog in the first place. To keep myself reminded, in check.
Inspired.

I needed that bit of inspiration from myself, I'm glad I found it. In essence, it was the definition of what just happened, come full circle:
Missing my mother has become more unbearable lately. I fear the euphoria of my Shift may be subsiding enough for me to let those "old realities" back in. I know that missing my mother is okay. Human nature. Normal. There is nothing wrong with mourning my mother's death. I know that whatever I feel is okay and I do not want to judge myself for my feelings. Noah feels the same about his mom.

We miss them. It's terrible. Especially with the holidays approaching. With my mom and I, the holidays started October 1st. We did a lot of stuff together for Halloween the whole month of October. She LOVED it. And so did I.

My anxiety grows as that month approaches. I'm going to try to do some of the things I did with mom, with my sister this year, and Noah and I are going to Tennessee for our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of the month, so we'll be there over Halloween. Then I'll just take the rest of the Holiday's one at a time.

I've not felt the new surge of anger that I am hoping I will not have to encounter for the way she was taken from us, and if I'm feeling like this 6 months after my mom's death, will Noah start to go through the same thing as the months go by about his own mother?

I fear the onslaught of negative emotions and behaviors we may face due to this new wave of grief in the coming months. I believe this fear is causing me anxiety and in turn causing me to start having negative thinking.

I feel blocked, aside from busying myself with our other blog (because it focuses on the lighter side of our life). A distraction, if you will. Busy projects to take your mind off the fact that the holiday season and Christmas-time are coming and your mothers are not going to be here.

I've had no enlightened inspiration for myself, or to share with others. I had a sinking feeling that it was all leaving me and I was going to be left without that wonderfulness I had had just a couple months ago.

I was afraid it was all just a bout of manic euphoria brought on by the shock and grief of a sudden death.

I thought I was losing it, including my faith in myself.

Then I picked up this notebook to write about it and found that last entry. It's like I wrote it for myself, for just this moment.

I never posted it. I must have somehow known I would need it, at this precise moment in my life, to restore my faith in myself. To restore my faith in this wonderful Universe and all that it holds for us.

To get me to reflect on this entire situation and be grateful for it. Writer's block, inspiration block, and all.

To remind me to be more mindful next time.

I always talk about synchronicity. It really is awe-inspiring to me when this type of thing happens. It's amazing to me to know I was able to pick out the message in this even in the midst of my fear and pain, because I was feeling fear and pain, and I try so hard to let go of fear and pain. It shows me how far I've come, and how much further I can go. That it is attainable, because I am living proof of it happening to me right now. It is a joy to me that I can share this with you that you can attain the peace you seek. As I've said before, it doesn't (usually) happen over night, it takes faith. And work. But it's worth it. It becomes easier the more you notice the wonderful little things happening for you because it builds your faith in the possibility that all things are possible. This reminds me not to DO and just try to BE.
All I have left to say to the Powers That Be is "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You."
I needed that.
I wish you all the wonderfulness that you deserve...

Little Reminders

Amazing things will happen to you when you let them. Of course, it lies within your opinion what "amazing" is.

I used to be afraid to hope. Afraid because I knew my hopes would be shattered in disappointment.

I am no longer afraid because I removed my attachment to what it is I hoped for. I still hope. I still dream. But now I do it without fear. Without the fear of losing it or not attaining it.

I am in awe of how humbled I am when it happens for me. I am in awe of my acceptance of what is when it does not.

I try to find something to be grateful for in every situation. Even when I become 'aware' of the negativity I revert to at times when I am acting unconsciously. At first, I was disappointed in myself for having those moments of unconsciousness allowing me to have negative thoughts and actions. Now I find it serves me much better to be grateful for those moments that I might be reminded to be more mindful next time.

The coolest birthday gift...

I have a quick little story I wanted to share with you. I don't know why I waited so long to tell it, it was just a quirky little thing that happened, but I was just thinking about it and wanted to share it. I took my son out with me for my birthday two days before my actual birthday (July 23rd). We just went to dinner and shopping all around and then to the mall. While walking through the busy mall, a young woman walked passed us and complimented me on my dress. I was a little taken aback, and I don't take compliments well, but I thought it was very nice. It's fresh and inviting to open yourself up and reach out to someone and offer kind words or a compliment.  We eventually made our way to Earthbound Trading Company, where there are a lot of ethnic wares, posters, incense, jewelry, and unique novelties. A display of cuff bracelets caught my eye. I was standing there with my son looking at all of these bracelets when a lovely young African American woman who was also the store clerk approached us. She also complimented me on my dress. I was appreciative, but found it a bit odd. Two compliments in less than 20 minutes. See, I was wearing a dress that had belonged to my mother. I took some of her things when I cleaned out her house. I explained to the clerk that this was my moms dress and that she had recently passed. The clerk ( I wish I had gotten her name) asked me if I feel my mother. That she is with me. I told her that I did. And this is true, especially after the quantum moment I had had several weeks before. She told me that she just had to come over and meet me, that I had such a calming presence about me; an unusual aura. We spoke briefly for a few minutes more about the other side and she had to go back to work. My son thought that the interaction was "cool" and, frankly, so did I. We have noticed these interactions alot lately, where people have approached me and have stated the calming affect I have or the serene way about me. This is so foreign to me, a far cry from how I used to be, but it is now becoming more of a natural feel for me. I'm getting used to hearing this and realizing that this is me, now. It was actually always me, I just didn't know it yet.
These interactions started even before I lost my mom. In January all of the employees in my department had to meet with a Human Resources representative due to the less than great employee survey results at work. When I got into the lady's office, she was a little harried, rushing a bit because she was late. I was just getting off work at 7:00 am, she was hurrying to get started with me. When she finally settled in to her desk she looked at me and took a big breath and said "Are you always this calm? You just have such a calming affect...I just want to take in a big breath and sigh..."(and she did so). I was surprised at her words. I told her that I was not always this calm, quite the opposite actually. But I have been changing. Realizing what is important in life. Stressing myself into early old age is not one of them. So all of this really started quite awhile before mom died. I'm sure that is a huge contributor to the way I am able to handle the things in my life, now. I just wanted to share these little, but very significant, moments I've had. Speaking out to others, telling them what you feel, what is in your heart, even if it is just kind words in passing, can have a great impact on them. And they, like me, will then be encouraged to keep that feeling those interactions give them, and carry it within themselves, and share kindness of their own. Kindness, caring...it's a cycle, and it is contagious. That's a great thing to spread.



The dress...

The bracelet...

Have a wonderful Sunday...N