Hi, friends,
I have so much to be grateful for that I am bursting at the seams and want to share with you all what I am feeling lately.
First off, I want to say a HUGE thank you to all of my readers...I've reached over 10,000 page views! I've been at it awhile, and never with popularity or high traffic numbers as a goal. I just wanted to share with all of you my life's trials and triumphs, sorrows and successes, so that you would know that you are not alone in this big world; that there is at least someone else out there who understands what it is to be human and need the connection and help we all do to feel that we are "okay."
I never realized how much it might mean to me to see that I've touched so many people. So, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my journey and encouraging me to keep doing what I'm doing.
The next thing I am grateful for is my son. You may or may not know that he has been in a bit of a life struggle. I was going to submit an article to Tiny Buddha about the issues he's going through right now, but I've decided to wait and submit when we see the positive outcome; and there is a positive outcome, there always is. He's doing so well, and I am so grateful to have been able to take some time off of work to be with him everyday. We have really bonded and I'm watching him grow and change before my eyes. I started college when Tyler was just 8 months old and graduated when he was 4. Then I worked all different shifts and weekends. It was extremely stressful going through X-Ray school with a toddler. But we managed, and we had Noah, our hero. So, during my whole life with Tyler, I have been a working mom, which is why, when he was seven years old, I sought out a job where I would be working the night shift. I could be there to take him to school, be home if he was sick, go on field trips, pick him up from school. I was even his Den Mother in Cub Scouts for 5 years.
I do have that article written, with his permission, of course. Maybe soon I'll share it with you, or a "downsized" version, perhaps. If there is a possibility that it can help ease someone else's pain, we are willing to share a bit of ourselves to help with that. But, we are picking up pieces we were a little shocked to know needed picked up, and we're putting them back together, one day at a time. I had finally reached my breaking point when I was faced with the pain that Tyler was going through. I knew we needed help; both of us and for many reasons. And we got it. The time I took those last few weeks to be with my family was much needed. I felt like I was pulling apart at the seams. I was losing myself, my family, and I could not let that happen. I felt like I was living in a nightmare even before I found out about his addiction, and it was even more difficult to manage after it became evident just how bad it was.
He is very brave, my son. Completely willing to get the help he needs, willing to do whatever it takes. He's doing so well, loving life and excited about his future. He's still in treatment, and will continue to be for a long while to come, but he's now able to get himself there and back (it's an hour drive to West County, St. Louis and back, three days a week, plus his NA meetings in the evenings) and his dad will be there on his off days to help him out when I sleep after work, so he will be able to continue along his path to recovery. I am so very proud of him. You might think I would be ashamed or even embarrassed, at the least, but I'm not. Terrified, yes. Beating myself up and wondering what I did wrong or why didn't I know...of course. But, we talk everyday, we're getting to the bottom of his reasons, if there are any, and I'm realizing that it's not always someones "fault." There are thousands of people out there with a million problems and it's not our place to judge what we do not know.
The other thing I am grateful for is my mother. She paid the ultimate sacrifice to leave us a legacy that will change our lives forever. Not only did I gain freedom from any animosity I held, learning to try to take each day as it comes and live and love fully without regrets, setting petty differences aside along with my anger (it's an everyday battle, but I am present with it and I vow everyday to try to be my best), she bestowed so many more gifts on us, as well. She always just wanted us to be happy and for some of our dreams to come true. She always wanted us to have an opportunity to succeed, and through her, we have that opportunity. But I'd trade it all back to have her here, instead. I still miss her as if this terrible thing happened just yesterday. I can not believe she's gone from me. I wasn't done with my relationship with her; we were just getting started. What has happened to my family-Noah's family-is atrocious. Impossible to comprehend, so, mostly, I don't. I've put it all away for two whole years. I still have my mother's paperwork and things in my den stacked up, too afraid to get rid of anything while things were being worked out on her behalf. I couldn't mourn her; there was "too much to do." Now that it's all over, I can move on, put her things away, mourn her, remember her, let her memories in and cherish them and be grateful everyday for the gifts she has given me.
Which is what brings me to what I am grateful for next: my therapist. Thank God I finally decided to talk to someone. I felt like I was going crazy with overflowing emotions. If I were to write down everything that has happened to us, you might be amazed that we aren't already off the deep end. I should have probably started seeing someone sooner, but, you know, there was "too much to do," and in my mind, that had to come first. I am finally learning that it's okay to put me first, at least once in a while, for now. So, we are all getting back on track and really figuring out this new life that we need to lead and doing the healthy things we should be doing to be our best.
I am also grateful for my wonderful husband. This man is truly my best friend. We are in sync like nothing I have ever seen or experienced before. It amazes me that two people can be so tightly linked and utterly compatible. I've never felt so loved and treated so well. He is a great father and husband, man and friend. I thank my lucky stars for him every day and I fall deeper in love with him as each of those days pass. I am giddy when he walks through the door after work, cherish how he treats our animals and loves our son. He truly is my hero.
I am grateful for my family. My sister, who is by me at all times, someone I can confide in and do things with that girls need to do, things I used to do with mom. She's been there from the beginning of my life, shares memories and situations that only a sister can understand. I'm also grateful for the fact that she's starting to see how much she's worth and seems to be taking the steps forward to a better life for herself, because she deserves it. And my dad, who would do anything for me, and keeps my childhood and memories of my mother alive with his stories. He loves my son unconditionally, and would never turn his back on him, no matter what. He has been there since Tyler's day one. Rocked him on his chest. He was his first father figure, until Noah came into our lives, and he loves him, too. Tyler adores his Gpa, and Gpa adores Tyler; nothing will ever change that. And my brother, who I know I can always go to for advice about anything from my stock options to "what to do about dad..."(lol). These people are my family, all I have left. We may not always see eye to eye, but they're mine, and I am theirs. You are always supposed to be able to rely on your family, and I know I can rely on mine. That's pretty priceless.
I am grateful for my friends who check on me to see how I am doing and love me no matter what. These people would do anything for me, you know who you are. We may not see each other everyday, and may only keep in touch through social media here and there, but I know you are there for me should I need it, and I hope you know I am here for you, too.
Lastly, I am grateful for the magic that is this Universe. The awesome things that can come from tragedy, heartbreak and sorrow are love, grace, and peace. You will amaze yourself with what you can accomplish if you just let the light in. Believe that it can happen for you and it will. I want to share a neat little secret with you. I've always dreamed of being a writer (big surprise, right?) way back, even when I was being asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I always said "An X-Ray tech or a journalist."
No kidding. Since I was three years old I have said I was going to be an "X-Ray tech." Why? I grew up getting chest X-Rays and echo's because I was born with a heart defect. Once, when I was about three, I saw a Looney Toons cartoon showing an X-Ray screen being wheeled in front of a character showing his bones. I was sold (little did I know what I was in for, right?). But, I always had a propensity for story telling. I loved to write stories, writing my first book, cover made from heavy stock wall paper and all, in the fourth grade titled "Fonifer and Telly" about a cat and a tadpole. Always very creative, I was encouraged to follow the arts, taking art in high school, and becoming quite good at it. But, upon becoming pregnant, I needed a "quick" career that I could make money at, so off to college I went--into the Radiology program. I've tried many different 'crafts', but writing is still my passion. And Hay House Publishing is sort of my dream publisher; to get discovered somehow...maybe a pipe dream, but who knows. Anyway, I was going through the mail a few weeks ago and was going to throw a bunch of junk mail into the recycle bin, when something caught my eye. It was a flyer for a seminar hosted by Hay House Publishing complete with a chance to submit a book proposal. Now, I'm not going to get my dander up, but who knows, I'm not going to doubt myself, either. I'm grateful to just be going to the seminar to learn anything I can. How about that for synchronicity? It's amazing what the Universe will provide you when you let it in. When you learn to let go of the negative and have faith in yourself and God (or whatever that means to you) amazing things will happen.
I'll keep you posted. I just wanted to share with you how we are getting along and that I give gratitude everyday for the things that I have and what is given to me. I think it's important to spread that joy and be joyous for others, as well. Harboring resentments, ill will, dark feelings only eats at you.
"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”
― Wayne W. Dyer
Thanks for spending time with me today, I truly, truly appreciate you.
Peace
Nanette
