Crossroads...

That's exactly where I am right now. A crossroads. In my own life decisions, in my career decisions, decisions I need to help my son make for his sake and the sake of this family. Everyday there are more and more things that occur in our lives that we think that we can't handle; I know because I've had my share. The piling on of the 'burdens' of our situations can feel almost unbearable at times, seeming as though if a feather fell from a birds wing and floated down upon us we'd crumble under the weight of the stack of pain it fell upon.

But most of us won't. And for those of us that do, or almost do, or think we might, or know we will...it's okay. It's okay for that to happen. I know you've heard the saying "God will never give you more than you can handle" (1 Corinthians 10:13). Do you believe that? It doesn't really matter what else you believe or what you believe in, you can always format the phrase to fit your needs if you have trouble with religion, Bible verses...whatever. Don't let that hangup keep you from finding wisdom in places that are laid out before you. Substitute where you need to, and move on. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know very well how I have struggled with and overcome this myself. Do yourself a favor and look for the blessings in all things.

We live far too encompassed in fear of our feelings, of what people will think of us, of how we will be perceived; even by ourselves. Life is way too fleeting for this. You can't let the train pass you by...you have to run to keep up, grab that railing and hop onto the step if you don't want to be left alone in the station.

There are a lot of delicate issues to be handled under my roof, right now, and difficult decisions to be made. "Why not keep all of this private?", you may want to ask, though, deep down, we are all of us at least a little nosy and want to meet the skeletons in each others' closets.

I think I'm going to write about our newest life experience in a post for TinyBuddha.com and submit it soon, with my son's blessing, of course. It does take a few weeks to get published and that is if it gets picked up. That's just one of my paths in my crossroads: do I submit this very personal article?

The next is the career decisions I've been agonizing over. This is rather delicate, because I have made no decisions yet, and I was hoping not to have to, but our current situation is requiring me to look at all of my options. I need to be with Tyler right now, while he finds his footing along his own difficult path through substance abuse. After everything we've been through thus far, my priorities have certainly shifted and my family is, hands down, the single most important thing in life right now. I won't sacrifice my son's needs for a "career".

The third confusing rung on this four-spoke wheel is whether or not I share. Do I hit 'publish' at the end of this post revealing things that most people would never tell their own family members about, let alone perfect strangers from who knows where; things they stuff  in their closets and sweep under their rugs? I'm not saying that I think I'm better than someone else if I spill all of my innermost troubles and they live a more quiet and private existence. But that is what is so confusing to me about sharing with all of you. I fear that people might think, "What's the point...what's her point, in telling everybody all of this? Aren't these private matters to be dealt with between her and her family?" But, then I remember why I started writing in the first place. I was tired of feeling so alone in my 'troubles'. I was tired of picking up self-help books only to be given half the story; a partial picture of what the author had gone through and left to decipher the rest on my own. I work in very concrete ways. Give me the whole truth and nothing but; I don't have time for innuendo, and that's what I intend to do for my audience, just in case you're that way too. That's why I share so deeply. Feeling like you are alone in your abyss, whatever that may be, is too painful. The truth is, you are not alone, you are never alone.

The fourth element I have been pondering over is how I feel about all of this, or rather, how am I supposed to feel? Am I allowed to be scared? Can I feel vulnerable and weak? How about guilty? Is it okay to need help; someone to talk to? I am just so overwhelmed at times with all of the decisions I need to make right now that I don't know which way to turn. I don't want to make the wrong one or disappoint anyone, including myself. I've not made big moves like this in my life in a very long time. These just happen to be very important and essential life decisions. And I am afraid. But only just a little, because I know all about fear, and the detrimental effects it has upon us. So I work hard on letting that go.

I'll let you know how that works out...I always do.

Thanks so much for being here and reading today. I enjoy sharing with you and it is my hope that you gain some comfort from my words.

Nanette

Well, here we are...

Hello Friends,

I took a little longer than I originally planned to post here, but here I am. Life takes us on the most unexpected of journeys, sometimes, doesn't it? I know this all too well and it just seems to keep on coming. I'm not complaining, mind you. I just sit in awe of how the Universe works and constantly contemplate the reasons why. When I get sucked into this, I always think of that quote from Tennyson, "The Charge of the Light Brigade" "Theirs not to reason why, Theirs but to do and die". This quote has been paraphrased as "Ours is not to wonder why, Ours is just to do or die", but neither really has anything to do with what I wonder about...it's about the Battle of Balaclava during the Crimean War, after all.

But we still will quote Alfred, Lord Tennyson when we question something, all mysterious-like:
"Why did Susan have to get sick? She's got three little kids!"
"Ours is not to wonder why..." (in mysterious sing-song voice).

I get very unsatisfied with this kind of answer because I am very...I'll say inquisitive...and truly over-analytical. Try as I might to let it be and rest in the hands of 'fate', I am compelled to know why. After all of this time I still wonder every day why mom died, why Noah's mom died, why it happened so close together and in such a traumatic way. Why did my brother then die, and now, why is my son struggling?

And that's really what this one is about. The agony of loss just continues to spread its wings across the canopy of my family. I realize that this is probably partially my fault in the way that I allowed us all to just "go about our business" and try to remain as normal as possible, but that is not always the healthiest thing to do. Ignoring something does not make it go away; I know better than that. But, I also believe in the right time for everything. And this must be ours.

Some pretty drastic things have just recently come up, again, that we have been dealing with as a family. I do not want to disclose too much personal info that will betray my son's privacy, but we are working through major issues as a family to help him through this ordeal. I've made the commitment to take several weeks off from work to help him through these issues. I transport him to where he needs to go three days a week one hour each way, I sit and wait for him for three hours and then I am available at home with him for whatever he needs. He is willing to take the steps necessary to succeed in his health and well-being, and so are his father and I. He knows we are here for him, and we love him, unconditionally, for all of time, but he knows what must be done to be successful in his life and he is ready and willing to do it. He is doing great so far.

I now recognize that it is time for me to start speaking to someone about my grief and discord. It had affected all aspects of my life. There is only so much ignoring and storing away one can do before it fills you up and threatens to run over (and it has, oh...it has). I really do have faith in the belief that everything will work out the way it is meant to, it always has, but as you are living it, it can be truly difficult to focus on that. I have to remind myself of the pros and cons list I have made about my life decisions or I forget and get overwhelmed with the decision making.

My advice to you would be to make a visible list if you can, of your plans, if you have trouble remembering what you have decided is the best course of action for you. List your pros and cons, keep it close so you can tweak it and refer to it often whenever you have doubts about your decisions. If you have a supportive spouse or best friend, discuss these decisions with them; get their feedback. Ask for their honest opinion...and then be OPEN to it. You can't get angry if they say something you don't particularly want to hear. They will stop wanting to have these types of conversations with you, and believe me, you need these people in your life.

Get the help you need. There is no shame in seeking out a professional to help you through the rough patches, no matter what your patches are. I had a real hard time asking for help, even though our family went through some pretty tragic events. I thought I could hold it all together, had to hold it all together, for the sake of my family...and myself. I thought I would be destroyed if I let down my guard and started to let the grief out. Come to find out, it was the other way around. And because I was so adamant about not talking about it because it was too hard, my family didn't talk about it either. Not really. And they may have had some of their own reasons for that, but that guilt, you know? So, now we've found ourselves in a situation that needs immediate attention.

This brings me to my final thought: What if all of this happened for a reason? Is this a part of the plan? The "Everything happens as it should" plan? Not the deaths, but the reactions to them. If I hadn't handled things the way I did, or my son handled things differently, would we be missing out on valuable lessons learned from our actions? Sure, it created more suffering, but the actions it induced and the lessons we are learning and the steps we are taking now feel invaluable to me. Every time a major event happens in my life, I feel the same way: blessed that it's all happening as it should. Even through all the crap you might just find a daisy. All I need is a quick daily reminder that I am on the right path, because everything that happens is what should be happening. We just have to learn to let go.

Bottling up everything tough that you go through is counterproductive. It will eventually eat you alive. You are not helping yourself or anyone else by doing this. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Fear is poison, and it will kill you dead if you don't seek the antidote.

Choose to support and love each other. We are all partners on this Earth; be the solution...not the problem.

I hope you all have a wonderful week, and as always, thanks for reading...

Nanette