Crossroads...

That's exactly where I am right now. A crossroads. In my own life decisions, in my career decisions, decisions I need to help my son make for his sake and the sake of this family. Everyday there are more and more things that occur in our lives that we think that we can't handle; I know because I've had my share. The piling on of the 'burdens' of our situations can feel almost unbearable at times, seeming as though if a feather fell from a birds wing and floated down upon us we'd crumble under the weight of the stack of pain it fell upon.

But most of us won't. And for those of us that do, or almost do, or think we might, or know we will...it's okay. It's okay for that to happen. I know you've heard the saying "God will never give you more than you can handle" (1 Corinthians 10:13). Do you believe that? It doesn't really matter what else you believe or what you believe in, you can always format the phrase to fit your needs if you have trouble with religion, Bible verses...whatever. Don't let that hangup keep you from finding wisdom in places that are laid out before you. Substitute where you need to, and move on. If you've read this blog for any length of time, you know very well how I have struggled with and overcome this myself. Do yourself a favor and look for the blessings in all things.

We live far too encompassed in fear of our feelings, of what people will think of us, of how we will be perceived; even by ourselves. Life is way too fleeting for this. You can't let the train pass you by...you have to run to keep up, grab that railing and hop onto the step if you don't want to be left alone in the station.

There are a lot of delicate issues to be handled under my roof, right now, and difficult decisions to be made. "Why not keep all of this private?", you may want to ask, though, deep down, we are all of us at least a little nosy and want to meet the skeletons in each others' closets.

I think I'm going to write about our newest life experience in a post for TinyBuddha.com and submit it soon, with my son's blessing, of course. It does take a few weeks to get published and that is if it gets picked up. That's just one of my paths in my crossroads: do I submit this very personal article?

The next is the career decisions I've been agonizing over. This is rather delicate, because I have made no decisions yet, and I was hoping not to have to, but our current situation is requiring me to look at all of my options. I need to be with Tyler right now, while he finds his footing along his own difficult path through substance abuse. After everything we've been through thus far, my priorities have certainly shifted and my family is, hands down, the single most important thing in life right now. I won't sacrifice my son's needs for a "career".

The third confusing rung on this four-spoke wheel is whether or not I share. Do I hit 'publish' at the end of this post revealing things that most people would never tell their own family members about, let alone perfect strangers from who knows where; things they stuff  in their closets and sweep under their rugs? I'm not saying that I think I'm better than someone else if I spill all of my innermost troubles and they live a more quiet and private existence. But that is what is so confusing to me about sharing with all of you. I fear that people might think, "What's the point...what's her point, in telling everybody all of this? Aren't these private matters to be dealt with between her and her family?" But, then I remember why I started writing in the first place. I was tired of feeling so alone in my 'troubles'. I was tired of picking up self-help books only to be given half the story; a partial picture of what the author had gone through and left to decipher the rest on my own. I work in very concrete ways. Give me the whole truth and nothing but; I don't have time for innuendo, and that's what I intend to do for my audience, just in case you're that way too. That's why I share so deeply. Feeling like you are alone in your abyss, whatever that may be, is too painful. The truth is, you are not alone, you are never alone.

The fourth element I have been pondering over is how I feel about all of this, or rather, how am I supposed to feel? Am I allowed to be scared? Can I feel vulnerable and weak? How about guilty? Is it okay to need help; someone to talk to? I am just so overwhelmed at times with all of the decisions I need to make right now that I don't know which way to turn. I don't want to make the wrong one or disappoint anyone, including myself. I've not made big moves like this in my life in a very long time. These just happen to be very important and essential life decisions. And I am afraid. But only just a little, because I know all about fear, and the detrimental effects it has upon us. So I work hard on letting that go.

I'll let you know how that works out...I always do.

Thanks so much for being here and reading today. I enjoy sharing with you and it is my hope that you gain some comfort from my words.

Nanette