Revelations...

Big breath in...let it all out.

I walked out to my car for something and there is one bird singing its heart out in a tree. It's misting a chilly rain, and I think "What's he so happy about? He's probably cold and wet. Silly thing..."

It's 4:45 in the morning in a hospital ambulance bay, so what does he have to be happy about?

I often wonder this about people as I see them going about their days, sometimes their appearance being downtrodden, poor and blissfully ignorant of the things that should be making them unhappy. Yet, there they are. Smiling like fools at the cruel world of disassociation ignoring their shining faces.

Then, I remember myself. What I've been through, what my husband has been through...and our son. And I realize that I am one of those people; moving through daily life trying to see the best in it. Of course, not always; I have my days where I have to drag myself out of the "all hope is lost" abyss that I sometimes slip into. But, it's often temporary and I am grateful. Grateful that I have the ability to choose a more positive path.

Back to the bird. He doesn't know there is anything to be unhappy about. He doesn't seem to notice the cold misty rain, or if he does, he doesn't mind. He doesn't know it's 4:45 in the morning, except that it will be dawn soon and another chance at a new day. He doesn't know he's in an ambulance bay at a hospital where death and negativity lurks around every corner. All he knows is the happiness and freedom to sit on that branch and be alive.

In my realization that he has many things to be happy about, one being the abundance of worms that are scattered about the pavement in seek of dryer abodes, having been driven out of their secret places by the rain, I realize that I have much to be happy about, too. Sure, there's a lot to be sad about, but is that all I want to look at and think about?

Tragedy seems to follow my family, and I just don't know how to process some of those things. After everything, and finally starting to gather the pieces to glue together, another tragedy arises; another loss. While I was having a fulfilling time in Chicago again this past weekend, my nephew and his girlfriend lost their tiny baby boy at 20 weeks gestation.

Why do these things keep happening? How do we explain them? How do we comprehend getting over the obstacles in our lives, let alone, the unfathomable losses? When the unthinkable keeps at us, how do we learn to cope? Do we just give up, draw the shades and climb back in bed pulling the blankets up over ourselves? No one would blame us...I mean, my own life seems cursed, if you look at it like that. After everything that has happened to us, I wonder sometimes. But, I know that isn't the way to live, because it's not living.

I had a long period of mourning. And then another. And then another. And, then again for something else...
It seems like all I ever have to report lately is tragedy and strife, but that's not why I write and share with you. I want to share the things that happen, unbelievable as they are, so that you can know you are not the only one with trouble, angst, sorrow or difficulties. And, it is my hope that I can show you, somehow, that it is not all there is. You can survive. You can live.

I know how hard and unwelcome it is to listen to someone telling you that all you have to do is look on the bright side, have hope, believe that it is going to be better. There are just times in the dregs of life that you don't want to hear that it's all up to you....if you just want it badly enough.

But, I'm here to tell you, show you, urge you to know that all is not lost. There is hope. You are not defined by the things that happen to you. But, you can define yourself by the things you do about them. None of us choose to have horrible things happen to us (most of us, anyway), but we can chose what to do about it.

I choose to live. Not forget, but live on, and share my life with you so that you know it's okay to live on, too. There are no exact answers for everyone to follow, every person and every situation is different, but there is so much inspiration out there from people who know what it's like and who have conquered the worst things in life. You most certainly can, too. I am willing to do what it takes for myself, and to help you along the way. Are you willing to take a chance on finding happiness? You deserve it, you know. There are things to be happy about.

I do know this-I was just happy that night, walking in that cold misty rain, that I was able to hear the bird sing.


Thank you for reading and letting me share with you.


With much peace to you,

Nanette




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