Full Circle...

Today I was missing my mother. Really, really...really missing her. It's been like that for quite few days, actually. Maybe even weeks. Now that things are really starting to settle down and into a routine, I have more time to think, because my mind is not as busy...

But, I must not be thinking about the right things, because I think I have writers block. Inspiration block.

Sure, I've been working on my other blog, but it's like I've been avoiding this one. My first bit of real inspiration came with the idea of needing to write this post, here, and when I opened my notebook, I found something I had jotted down a while back. It's what I used as my last post, "Little Reminders."

I don't know when I wrote it. I know I had done it at work. When it was quiet and slow for a moment. It just came to me, like most of my content. That's why I always carry the notebook (or my iPhone in a pinch does just fine. Yay, technology!).

I had every intention of posting it but didn't get around to it, for whatever reason. It's just what I needed, though. A reminder. Which is why I started this blog in the first place. To keep myself reminded, in check.
Inspired.

I needed that bit of inspiration from myself, I'm glad I found it. In essence, it was the definition of what just happened, come full circle:
Missing my mother has become more unbearable lately. I fear the euphoria of my Shift may be subsiding enough for me to let those "old realities" back in. I know that missing my mother is okay. Human nature. Normal. There is nothing wrong with mourning my mother's death. I know that whatever I feel is okay and I do not want to judge myself for my feelings. Noah feels the same about his mom.

We miss them. It's terrible. Especially with the holidays approaching. With my mom and I, the holidays started October 1st. We did a lot of stuff together for Halloween the whole month of October. She LOVED it. And so did I.

My anxiety grows as that month approaches. I'm going to try to do some of the things I did with mom, with my sister this year, and Noah and I are going to Tennessee for our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of the month, so we'll be there over Halloween. Then I'll just take the rest of the Holiday's one at a time.

I've not felt the new surge of anger that I am hoping I will not have to encounter for the way she was taken from us, and if I'm feeling like this 6 months after my mom's death, will Noah start to go through the same thing as the months go by about his own mother?

I fear the onslaught of negative emotions and behaviors we may face due to this new wave of grief in the coming months. I believe this fear is causing me anxiety and in turn causing me to start having negative thinking.

I feel blocked, aside from busying myself with our other blog (because it focuses on the lighter side of our life). A distraction, if you will. Busy projects to take your mind off the fact that the holiday season and Christmas-time are coming and your mothers are not going to be here.

I've had no enlightened inspiration for myself, or to share with others. I had a sinking feeling that it was all leaving me and I was going to be left without that wonderfulness I had had just a couple months ago.

I was afraid it was all just a bout of manic euphoria brought on by the shock and grief of a sudden death.

I thought I was losing it, including my faith in myself.

Then I picked up this notebook to write about it and found that last entry. It's like I wrote it for myself, for just this moment.

I never posted it. I must have somehow known I would need it, at this precise moment in my life, to restore my faith in myself. To restore my faith in this wonderful Universe and all that it holds for us.

To get me to reflect on this entire situation and be grateful for it. Writer's block, inspiration block, and all.

To remind me to be more mindful next time.

I always talk about synchronicity. It really is awe-inspiring to me when this type of thing happens. It's amazing to me to know I was able to pick out the message in this even in the midst of my fear and pain, because I was feeling fear and pain, and I try so hard to let go of fear and pain. It shows me how far I've come, and how much further I can go. That it is attainable, because I am living proof of it happening to me right now. It is a joy to me that I can share this with you that you can attain the peace you seek. As I've said before, it doesn't (usually) happen over night, it takes faith. And work. But it's worth it. It becomes easier the more you notice the wonderful little things happening for you because it builds your faith in the possibility that all things are possible. This reminds me not to DO and just try to BE.
All I have left to say to the Powers That Be is "Thank You, Thank You, Thank You."
I needed that.
I wish you all the wonderfulness that you deserve...