On Another Note...

I haven't written any other post besides the Sundays With Buddha in a really long time, so I thought now would be a good time to sort of get back to my 'old' writing style. I've written many posts about the power of positive thinking, how to love yourself first, the importance of being authentic, and how I need to follow my own advice. I've shared my struggles with my journey to becoming what I envision for myself, and have vowed to do better.

The vow is still alive and I am still working on getting myself in gear, but no matter how much I can write about doing it, I just don't seem to be able to get it done myself...not as fast as I would like, that is. And, since I'm a "think-a-holic", I'm really entering into super analyzation mode. The problem, right now, has been my continuing lack of motivation to take care of myself and commit to the healthy lifestyle I left behind the day my mom died.

As you know, we've had a lot going on this past year and a half, but I really need to stop using that as an excuse. My whole summer has gone by and now fall is just on the threshold and I'm letting my days slip on by.  I'm really good at writing and giving advice about letting go of your fear and how to go get what you want, but I can't seem to break my own cycle of monotony.

After my brother died this past July, life was a little harder to swallow. I had been dealing with my mother's death, and Noah has been dealing with his mother's death (at least we think we are) and we were starting to settle into our day-to-day life. But, we weren't getting back to our lives as we knew them before. Thank God I started on this change in myself way before our mothers were taken from us because I don't know what I would have done with myself had I been the same frustrated, angry, blame-laying person I was before.

Then my brother died. We still don't know exactly what happened, we're still waiting for the toxicology report and death certificates, but I waited four months for my mom's to come back so I suppose I can wait for his. What I do know is that, at age 49, his Aorta was 75% blocked. He was an alcoholic. And he was terribly depressed. And, apparently, the months following the one year anniversary of moms death is when he started to decline rapidly due to these compounded circumstances.

Very scary. I made my sister promise that she would get on board and get healthy with me. She's the oldest, at nearly 51, and more unhealthy than I think she'd care to admit. Needless to say, this has not happened, either. There's a lot of talking about starting, and not a whole lot of doing any starting. That goes for Noah and I, too.

And that brings me to the apex of my "Get it in gear, girl" decision. At the time I write this I've got a tiny bit of concern on my mind. A few weeks ago I was at a my Doctor's office for some lab results following treatment for a major vitamin D deficiency and had to tell him about the death of my brother and the possible cause. He decided to run an in depth cholesterol panel on me to make sure I don't have the markers of heart disease. I already have a slight heart condition that I was born with that has continued to develop over time. I have mitral valve and tricuspid valve regurgitation due to an apparent hole or leak in my heart from birth, and  PVCs (Premature Ventricular Contractions) and PACs (Premature Atrial Contractions), all very common, and I've never had abnormal cholesterol (I find out the results tomorrow). While I was there, I mentioned to him that I had been having left flank pain. Lo and behold I had blood in my urine when they tested it. I had a CT to look for a kidney stone, that came back negative (and I just so happened to leave for Milwaukee the evening after the doctor, the CT, and the waiting around for the results to identify my brother's body.) So I saw a Urologist. I'm set to have a Retrograde Cystogram in the OR under sedation (thank goodness since this is a test using a camera to look into the bladder and filling the bladder to look at the ureters, or tubes for draining the kidneys into the bladder) on the 30th. Also a fairly routine procedure, and hopefully they can figure this out now. The day after I saw the Urologist, I had my routine Mammogram. Then I received a letter that it was abnormal. They found a spot on the image of my right breast. Now, even the Radiologist said it's most likely summation (the sum of two parts, in this case the sum of two veins overlapping one another) but I have to have further testing with spot compression on Tuesday.

So, I wait for tomorrow, I wait for Tuesday, and I wait for the 30th. But I have kept myself relatively calm. What should I do, worry about what has not even happened yet? Nothing is set in stone, even after the results are in. Even though I don't know what else could possibly happen, or why what has happened has, or even if there are definitive reasons for such occurrences to happen, I would like to think I can at least take my own advice about not projecting into the future and causing strife about the non-existent. So far, I'm actually doing that.

What I need help with is the motivation to take this into account and get on the path to changing my health. I can't think of a bigger slap upside the head than what I have gone through, thus far. I'm keeping my cool, and I think these events are finally hitting home. I have to make a promise to myself and my husband and son that I will take the good fortune that I have had and be grateful for it and live each day as if it were my last, so that I can live a long and healthy life. I have found some practices that I want to start but have been putting off for so long I almost forget what they are.

But I haven't. Practices for peaceful, healthy living. Things that will be scheduled that keep me on track, because I do well with lists and schedules. I am realizing that this is who I am, for the most part. I'm not a fan of labels, but finding oneself and doing what makes you feel complete, as long as it helps you become successful at what you long for, I say "go for it".

So, that's what has been happening in my life. I've been putting off my writing until the last minute, neglecting my other blog and projects I want to finish, and living day in and day out with no real ambition. I have a head full of ambitious ideas, mind you, but until now, I didn't know how I was going to get out of this funk. This has been an overwhelming testimony to the power of gratitude. I'm actually grateful for the events I've gone through because I don't know what else would have shaken me into evaluating my life and what it is, and what it could be.

I am still living without fear, as I have written about before. I'm really not afraid. I think that went away after my mom and Noah's mom passed. Those life-changing events changed me forever. Maybe I'm just numb, I can certainly see why I would be. But, after living through the devastation of losing my mother, it changed everything I knew. I started to realize there was nothing worth worrying about so much that I sacrifice my well being, my peace. I've taken care of so much this past year as a result of the tragedies we have endured , I can't even begin to list it all; now it's time to take care of myself. I pray that everything in my life is an example for you. That is my goal. I hope that as I journey to find my peace, I can help you to find yours.

Thank you for listening,

Nanette